Words.

So...over the years, I've written a lot of poetry. I thought I would post a few of them every now and then. The first is a prose poem...the rest are free verse. So...without further adieu...

Timex

Tick. Tick. Tick. The clock counts seconds twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, three-hundred and sixty-five days a year. Incessant reminder of the memories we once shared, ticking by into dark oblivion. Tick. Tick. Tick. "He's not with you now," the sinister numbered face on the wall laughs. Shattered dreams, their shards a putrid mosaic of my life. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tears drop into a pool of pain, welled-up on the desk before me. I swim daily. Tick. Tick. Tick. Nothing to do but count, keep track. The backbone and very core of life, ticking and tocking. The world spins on seconds and hours. Sixty and sixty make twenty-four only when seven and fifty-two make three-hundred and sixty-five. Tick. Tick. Tick.




Cold October Morning

Cold morning dawned
and I left for our spot in the park.
I sat on our bench
and I waited for you.
The autumn leaves gathered at my feet,
faint traces of their brilliance, now faded.
The frigid bench beneath me
ached for your presence.
The morning slipped to afternoon
and afternoon to evening.
Darkness crept in
and I left our bench.
I walked the familiar journey back to my apartment,
your voice echoing in my head.
The air stung my lungs
and the tears bit my cheeks.
I walked into my room,
the merciless bed laughing at me.
Silent telephone,
sitting on its bitter receiver.
Barren windows,
framing my despair.
Another empty venture,
fruitless and in vain.
Dawn will break
and I'll begin the hollow routine.
On our bench I will sit
and wait for you again


Tuesdays Without You

Words dance around in my head,
but they're meaningless.
The emptiness in my heart has taken its toll.
Funereal tears bleed from hollow eyes,
and I'm left staring at clean, crisp pages
with ink-stained fingers
from failed attempts.
Attempts to make you understand,
to make you see,
but you're blind.
Completely oblivious.
The clock is stuck at quarter-to-three,
much like you and I,
stuck at quarter-to-never
and half-past too late.
You apologize profusely,
but much like my empty writings,
it's meaningless.
Just words.
Barren, destitute words.
I don't know your eyes anymore,
I can't even see your soul in them.
They're supposed to be like windows,
to me, they're more like doors,
blocking the truth,
favoring the lies.
Lies we've conjured up because they're easier to believe.
Exasperated sighs slip between my lips
and I want to be done.
Throwing it away seems to be the trend,
maybe following your lead would be smart.


Void

I strive to find words to emulate my emotions,
but I'm left searching an empty soul,
a barren soul,
stripped of its shine,
leaving behind nothing but a scintillating parallel to that which once was.
Staring into mirrors,
glowering at a nameless face.
Behind empty eyes,
a vast expanse of hollow dreams,
false moments conjured up for the lack of their existence.
Make-believe times shared run wild in my imagination.
I feed you the words I want to graze my own ears,
and I'm bitter for it.
A picture is imprisoned in my mind of what we're supposed to be,
but it merely lives in fool's paradise.
Save your futile alibis and exhausted excuses,
I'm not as transparent as you'd like me to believe.

So, This is Christmas.

For most of us, Christmas is a time for reflection; it's hard not to get nostalgic during the holidays. Our best and most-favored memories are often created with Christmas in the background. Thinking about my own life and the people in it, I was overcome by just how blessed I truly am. As we sang the final verse in "Silent Night" tonight at the candlelight service at church, I started to tear-up. A lot has happened over the past 15 years. I mean, truly life-changing shit. My immediate family has been reduced from five to three. I've had to learn to walk twice in my life (and lemme tell ya, the distance from your ass to the ground is a lot greater when you're 18...). I've learned that you truly don't know how strong you are until you have no other option but to keep trudging ahead. I've been broken...I've been jobless...I owe the federal government at least $30,000 (we push education in this country, but then make it unaffordable...that's a rant for another day...).

But...at the end of the day, if you have love...even if just enough for yourself, that's all there is. I don't have much, but the people in my life are my riches.

And I am eternally grateful.

Stay or Leave.

Maybe different, but remember,
winter's warm there.
You and I
kissing whiskey by the fire,
with the snow outside.
And the summer comes,
the river swims at midnight,
shiver cold.
Touch the bottom, you and I
with muddy toes.

Stay or leave,
I want you not to go,
but you should.
It was good, as good goes.
Stay or leave,
I want you not to go,
but you did.

Wake up naked, drinking coffee,
making plans to change the world,
while the world is changing us.
It was good, good love.
You used to laugh under the covers,
maybe not so often now.
But the way I used to laugh with you
was loud and hard.

Stay or leave,
I want you not to go,
but you should.
It was good, as good goes.
Stay or leave,
I want you not to go,
but you did.

So what to do
with the rest of today's afternoon?
Hey, isn't it strange how we change
everything we did?
Did I do all that I should,
that I could've done?

Remember, we used to dance
and everyone wanted to be
you and me?
I want to be, too.
What day is this,
besides the day you left me?
What day is this,
besides the day you went?

So what to do
with the rest of the day's afternoon?
Hey, well, isn't it strange how we change
everything we did?
Did I do all that I could?

Remember, we used to dance
and everyone wanted to be you and me?
I want to be, too.
What day is this,
besides the day you went, babe?
What day is this?

I Need My Boys Right Now.

They make the world right again...

And finally, my favorite:

Yes.

“We're so hopeful at the beginning of things. It seems like there is only a world to be gained, not lost. They say the inability to except loss is a form of insanity. It's probably true. But sometimes…it's the only way to stay alive.”

I am such a bad blogger! It's been awhile since my last post. Oops! Where to begin...

Well...things with the aforementioned guy didn't quite go as planned. Instead, he got physical and I ended up with a nice bruise on my chest. So...bye, bye, loser...

Halloween was fun. I went out with a friend and had a good time. I may have had too much of a good time, but...we're only young once.

I'm really in the holiday spirit! I know, I know...Thanksgiving isn't even here yet. But, I already planned the menu for Thanksgiving. I'm a nerd, I get it. I can't wait to send Christmas care packages to all of my friends!

I forgot to post pictures of my new tattoo. It was a cover of my sorority tattoo.

I really don't have a whole lot to talk about. I guess this post is just to apologize for not writing in forever to say that yes, I am still alive.

I hope all is well!

Anticipation is the hardest part.

It's been a long time coming (seven years, to be exact), but I'm finally getting the tattoo on the back of my left ankle covered. In a different life, I branded myself and now, I liken it to a prison tattoo, simply because it's just shoddy work (though, I did go to a shop to have it done, once upon a time). But, tomorrow at noon, I have an appointment at Solid State in Bayview with the ever-so-talented Julio, who will be artfully inking me with a beautiful lotus and colorful paisleys. Why a lotus? Lately, I've just been going through various shit and also, anyone who knows me, knows that my past wasn't exactly smooth-sailing. The lotus is the symbol of rebirth, beauty, and enlightenment. And paisleys because I just simply love them. :)

While I am very excited, I'm also a little apprehensive, because although the original tattoo is only about an 1.5" x 1", it was the most painful tattoo I've had done (I have six). It's right on my achilles tendon. And...this appointment is blocked-off for four hours, so...there may be a few breaks in there. But, I'm a trooper and I handle pain well.

Pictures will be sure to come.

Amy + Dave = Love

Epic wedding weekend went as quickly as it came. All in all, it was a fabulous time. The food was great, the company wonderful, and it was lovely to see two people so deserving of each other make a commitment to one another. All of the planning I helped put into this wedding was well-worth it in the end.

The Egg Roll That Rolls.

I make a damn good egg roll.

To those who know me, the fact that I'm Japanese is no secret. I tend to boast it loud and clear fairly quickly after one meets me. It happens to be something of which I'm very proud and also hate the fact that I don't look Japanese, like...at all.

Growing up, I often would find myself in the kitchen with my grandmother, helping her with this or that. One such thing was egg rolls. The only reason I know how to make them is because I learned from helping her. So, needless to say, there's no recipe (written down, that is). But, that doesn't mean that the last batch wasn't as good as its predecessor. Believe me, I can throw down on the wok.

Speaking of recipes, there are many a recipe I have no qualms about sharing. This one, however, is different. The one who gets this recipe out of me is going to be one lucky bastard, let's just say that much.

The point of this post is this: I've been watching copious amounts of "Eat Street" on the Cooking Channel lately mostly because I have a special, special place in my heart for street food. How cool would it be to have an egg roll truck?! I seriously sat down today and weighed out the pros and cons to doing it. I don't know if someone would come to a food truck just for an egg roll. I wonder if they might walk away, discouraged that I wasn't a Chinese food truck. I could serve varying types of egg rolls, from the traditional pork, to chicken, vegetarian, and maybe even a dessert one. I'm not sure how I feel about putting fried rice in an egg roll. But, if I'm going to be a food truck that strictly serves egg rolls, it may not be a bad idea. I would definitely want to run in two shifts: Monday-Friday lunch rush and Thursday-Saturday from 11 p.m. - 3 a.m. I would for sure use social media to let folks know my route for the week.

Ugh...maybe this is just another pipe dream...

The Joy of Coffee

I'm a coffee drinker. That's not to say I'm a caffeine-addict by any stretch of the imagination (I could drink a pot of coffee, then go to bed. Seriously...). I drink it because I like it. It's not a ritualistic thing; I don't put on a pot as soon as dawn breaks every day. I make a few cups every now and then when the mood strikes me. Lately, I've just...been in the mood.

I forgot how much I enjoy coffee. Hearing the coffee maker get to work the second I flip the switch...the gurgling and gushing as the water heats, then travels through the ground beans (Berres Brothers Highlander Grogg is my brand and flavor of choice) and the filter...the drip, drip, drip as the pot below fills steadily...the wonderful aroma in the air, seemingly trying to wake the world. As I pour my first cup, I take my coffee the same way every time: I pour the creamer (my absolute favorite is International Delight's English Almond Toffee) until it comes back up to the top, forming a cloud of sorts. I then add three Splenda packets and stir. Then, it's perfection every time. 


When I take my first sip, I feel a certain warmth come over me. Some might say, "Well, that's just because the coffee's hot." But, I think it's more than that. It's a soothing, relaxing, feeling of comfort. It's peaceful.

Whatever you do this weekend, I hope you have a fantastic time. I will be very busy, throwing a bridal shower and hosting a bachelorette party for a very good girlfriend of mine. I hope this weather turns around...I feel like I'm living in Seattle.

Plants!

I have really gotten into gardening these past few years. I don't know what it is exactly, but I just love flowers. Asiatic lilies are my favorite. Last year, I planted one orange asiatic lily. This year, it produced 13 new stems! I can't even believe that. Check out all those buds! I predict that they'll bloom within two weeks or so. 

As for the rest of the plants, I have mostly perennials. I think there are three or four annuals in there. I like perennials better because you really get your money's worth with them; why bother planting new plants every year? Some pots, though, I do like to change up every year, like the tea kettle pot. In the pots on the patio, I have salvia, yarrow (both yellow and salmon), daisies, lavender, Mexican heather, pansies, echinacea (purple coneflower), oriental poppies, bleeding hearts, trumpet vine, and a few others.

I used to plant herbs and vegetables in containers, but they didn't really do so well, save for the chives, which I still have out there now. Vegetables don't really do well in container gardens for the most part (I'm not saying that across the board, they don't work...sometimes, they do okay). So, I'm waiting until I have a little more space and can grow proper herb and vegetable gardens.


I know this past Sunday was Father's Day. I always feel strange now to say, "I really miss my dad" because it's such an understatement. I always knew my dad as "my Father." I never knew him as a person. That's why I always love to hear stories about him when we get together as a family and my uncle will start talking about their childhood or the things my dad did at my age. I know I would have really liked my dad and I say that not just because he was my father, but because he was a really likeable guy. He had strength of character and was insanely smart, yet you'd never know it just talking to him; he was very approachable. I think that part of what I grieve is the loss of the connection we could have had as adults, like the type of relationship my mother and I now have that we didn't have while I was a child. 

A Palette of Clothing!

So, I saw my friend from college, Andrea, had started using this website called Polyvore. I decided to check it out and became hooked almost instantaneously. I, like a lot of women, love clothes. I have a 9-foot closet with double-doors and it still isn't big enough to hold all of my clothing (I still have an armoire and a seasonal tote of sweaters with a lid that is barely holding on). So...here are my first four ventures down the rabbit hole that is Polyvore (I created all of them more with my own style in mind than anyone else's)...

Outfit #1

Those are NOT skinny jeans. I just wanted to provide some clarification because I am NOT a fan of skinny jeans. I gave this one two shoe options, as well as two purse options. While I love the way flats look, I can't wear them to save my life (my ankle sucks, okay?). I'm a freak of nature and I walk better in heels, more specifically, wedges. Also, my thinking was that a change of shoes could easily take this outfit from day-to-night, which is why I also provided a shoulderbag or a clutch.

Outfit #2

I love bermuda shorts; I just think they look so much dressier than regular shorts. I, myself, am not a shorts person. I never have been, mostly because I just don't like the super short inseam and the fact that I feel like I'm constantly pulling them out of my crotch, because they get all bunched up. But, I do like bermuda shorts. In fact, I tried a pair on yesterday and almost purchased them. Also, I really LOVE the goldenrod yellow/gray color combination...like, a lot. It's my second favorite color combo after light blue and chocolate brown (which, I almost fear is getting trendy, so I may find goldenrod and gray at my #1 fairly soon).

Outfit #3

I really LOVE (ha!) the earrings in this outfit. I think they're so cute! I'm really digging the hair accessory, as well. I like to wear flowers in my hair as often as possible. I don't have as many as I used to...I think some got lost in one of my many moves either to or from La Crosse or Racine or somewhere. Who knows...

Outfit #4

I am in love with this outfit. I would buy it right now if I had the funds. I would totally wear this out somewhere for the night. I really like the bold, fun colors and I l-o-v-e the cityscape ring (and the orange one, too). I'm a sucker for a good cocktail ring. And a good cocktail, but that's another story...

Modge-Podge

Bionicness
While I was explaining the neurostimulator to someone today, I did a Google search for a few images and here's what I came up with:

This is what my back looks like under the skin, except mine deviates to the right. So, the leads themselves are not visible, as they were injected into the epidural space.

This is what my neurostimulator looks like. The leads are visible here (they are the thin wires after that connector piece).

On Wednesday (an exact week after surgery), I was allowed to remove the bandages. Of course, the first thing I did was press on the bump underneath my skin, which made the neurostimulator move! It felt odd at first.

I want to ____ more...
One of the blogs I follow had a fun format for her last post, so I thought I'd snag it and do the same...

I want to eat more...

grilled meals in their entirety.

culinary deviations.

summer salads.

leftovers (dislike them, though I may...).

protein.

I want to do more...

DIY projects.

reading.

strength-training.

coffee-drinking.

gardening.

I want to be more...

laid-back.

healthy.

energized.

healed.

present.

DIY Maid of Honor

Today, I'm blogging from my patio. It's 71º and sunny...how could I not be outside, especially after the seeming monsoon we've been stuck in as of late?! Aside from that, how could I deny my cat this bravery (he's behind the salvia--the purple flower)? 

So, as I mentioned before, the first of my projects as maid of honor was to take the card box from this...

My lack of foresight prevented me
from taking a "before" picture, but it
looked exactly like this, I assure you.

Terrible beaded
ribbon/lace combination.

...to something far more fabulous. This is what I came up with:

Pretty fantastic, right? I hot-glued two types of ribbon around the top of the box and then hot-glued beaded garland around the perimeter as well. There were two glue spots on either side of the card slot left from the ribbon before, so I covered them up with pink beaded flowers.

As for the unity candle, Amy had shown me a few styles that she liked. So, I created a logo using Pages and printed it on vellum paper. After I cut an inch off the top and bottom, I adhered it to a pillar candle using Glue Dots. Then, I cut lengths of chocolate brown ribbon, slid the buckle slides on each, and secured them to the candle with Glue Dots, as well, on the top and bottom edges of the vellum. I attached the ribbon around the base of each of the family taper candles with Glue Dots. I used gemstones I found in the scrapbooking aisle of Hobby Lobby (my new favorite store!) and placed them around the length of each of the tapers. The finished result:

I also decided to make my own hairpins for The Big Day. Everything I could find in my price range looked cheap and everything I actually liked was, of course, out of my budget. I could blow the bank several times over on Etsy, but what I ended up making was something inspired by hairpins I found there:

I've had so much fun crafting these projects for Amy's wedding. I wish there was more fun stuff to do!

Learning to be Laid-Back

According to a friend, I need to learn how to "chill out." I was talking to him the other day, when he called me "Princess Facebook." For one reason or another, it bothered me. I tried to explain that I didn't think he realized how much I'm not on there, but then he stated that it was other people who were telling him this information. I paused, wondering how it was anyone's business to concern themselves with how I spend my time and then to sit around and discuss it behind my back. I continued on, trying to defend myself, only to realize I was illustrating his point without trying. I worry so much about what everyone else is saying about me. I just need to relax and let it go. He told me that I have to realize that people are going to talk about you your whole life. I agreed with this statement, adding that if they were true friends, they'd say whatever they had to say behind my back, to my face.

A few weeks ago, I came across a website called Inspiration and Chai: Warmth for the soul and for the body. On it, a nurse in palliative care discusses the five most common regrets the dying have when they're in their final days:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life more true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Lately, I've been finding numbers one and five especially relevant for me. Sometimes, I feel like I do things because they're expected of me. I'm not talking about basic, humane things that everyone ought to do. I just mean things that I'm supposed to do because I'm Christina. This largely applies to my family, rather than to any other group of people in my life. It's difficult to articulate. I guess you just have to be a Nelson to know what I mean.

As for number five, I sometimes forget that happiness is a choice; you have to consciously decide to be happy, it's not just some random occurrence that happens to you on some idle Tuesday. It's easy to feign happiness, but true joy comes from deciding to let go of old patterns and habits and allowing yourself to laugh and smile.

So, sometimes, I have to remind myself that what so-and-so thinks isn't important or that such-and-such thing isn't really worth getting worked up over. And here I thought being laid-back and relaxed was supposed to be just that...relaxing.