A Love Letter.

My love,

I'm sitting here alone on the couch in our apartment on this cool, crisp autumn evening and I can't feel anything but intense, soul-consuming love.

I've never written anything like this to you before because I have no clue how to even begin. How do I put into words something that is of such...grandeur? How do I tell the love of my life everything that's written on my heart? How do you begin to tell someone something like that? I feel...inept.

Our love story is written in the quiet moments when no one is watching. That's not to say that we have a relationship in secret, because we definitely do not. Nine times out of ten, if you're somewhere, I'm there, too (and vice versa). But it's the every day moments...the times when we're hanging out just the two of us. When I try to dazzle you in the kitchen and you slyly look at me in your Gary-way and say, "Do you got this? You need my help?" in that teasing way you do. The way you adore my laughter and how it fills the entire room. It's the way you have 700 nicknames for me, and we both know how I earned each one. The way I can hit my head on the fireplace mantel not once, but twice, and it instantly makes you laugh, not because you enjoyed watching me get hurt, but because it's part of the "Christina-ness" that you love. How I can tell you, "I had a tomato moment today..." and you know exactly what I'm talking about. How it's Monday, so we both know we're going to watch The Voice after you close down the restaurant and come upstairs and we'll spend the night with the DVR and a pizza, discussing each of the artists and songs seriously, like we know a thing or two. The way you can tease me about being a handful and I know that you're just telling me you love me. Our love story is filled with nuances and anecdotes to which everyone else is not privy, but they're cherished moments that are ours alone.

Embarking on this journey with you has been the time of my life. I have fun with you every day. You help me be the best version of myself every day. I fall in love with you all over again every day.  We're five years in the making, but I love that fact about us. I love that we get to share a past when we were simply friends (the days of the "drive-bys") and today, we share a life of love.

It's been nearly a year since we set out on this adventure. There has been sunshine and man, have we had to deal with some rain and I'm not saying we're clear of gray skies yet, but even in those desperate times, I know you'll be out there dancing with me as the flood waters rise.

I've had a crush on you since I was 24. I love you today. I'll love you tomorrow. You are my true North. I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person. Every day with you is like TWO Christmases...

Always and forever,
Christina

And so it begins...

We had been planning this for weeks.

I stood in the bathroom in my nylons and bra, carefully adjusting every hair on my head. I went through the ritualistic steps of applying my make-up: first tinted moisturizer, then concealer, then eyeshadow, tightline my upper lids, then fill-in my eyebrows, apply liquid eyeliner, blush, powder bronzer, and finally mascara. I looked past my reflection and met his gaze in the mirror. "What?" I coyly asked. He smiled and said, "It's sexy to watch a woman get ready. Men...it's like...10 minutes and we're good to go. You take time and have fun with it. I can tell...you like to get ready to go out." I didn't deny it. I think a lot of women enjoy the process. It's relaxing. I slipped on my dress...a wrap-dress I got for the bargain price of $19.99 several years ago. Though it's getting too big, it's still one of my favorites. Plus, it has sleeves and when it's the dead of winter in Wisconsin, that's everything. I closed the clasp of the necklace around my throat and put on a pair of black earrings. Finally, I applied my lipstick. A bold, intense red. I stepped out of the bathroom and put on a pair of platform peep toe shoes. I was having trouble deciding which of the two pairs I brought along to wear. I slid my feet into the other pair. Slingback, peep toe, black wedges. These were more comfortable. I wasn't 100% sure about the bow across the toes, though. He commented, "The other pair." I put the first pair back on and he was right...these definitely looked better...even if they pinched a little.

Midway through our meal, my eyes met his. "Mmm...man." I heard him say under his breath. "What?" I asked, innocently. "Nothing," he continued, "you just look really beautiful."

I was elated.

What a difference a day makes.

Over the past 24 hours, I have been on quite the emotional roller coaster. With that, of course, comes awareness of what is important to me and my journey on this planet. Though there are material possessions that I love dearly and am proud of the fact that I reached a point in my life that I could attain them, possessions are of this world. They are finite. I've also realized how incredibly lucky I am to have the people in my life that I do. Like anyone, I don't get along with every member in my family perfectly or every co-worker with whom I'm surrounded every day...but...that's life. Those people were given to me by God to challenge me. To make me grow. To help me figure out who I am and what I want. Challenges and blessings are both amazing opportunities. Sure, it's easier to embrace the blessings than the challenges, but it's the nitty-gritty details in life that give you character and endurance.

I will make it through this. Life isn't always easy. But, it's always worth it.

The Ghost of Christina Past

I'm trying to pick a place to live. I can't decide. A year ago, I could've told you exactly where I wanted to live. I loved the neighbors, loved the area, loved the shops, bars, and restaurants. And now? I haven't set foot there since February. The thought of going back there gives me anxiety. I need to find a new neighborhood to love. It's like your memories attach themselves to particular places and tactile objects in your possession. I hear voices echo in the back of my mind of people I used to love...and probably still do on some level...but I know them no longer. People I came to know as the ones who would do anything for me. They were my family. Now...not so much.

I just want to retreat to a corner of the world and sleep for days. I need a break.

What's on the horizon?

You know that feeling that things are about to change (for the worse)? That nagging feeling of impending doom? Yeah...that's me right now. I have this gigantic fear of losing something (and, someone I love so dearly). There is so much shit in this world...when we come across something special and rare, it's only natural that we want to hold it close to our hearts and the fear of losing it...well...it can be really scary. I can't say for certain...but I just have a feeling. I hate that...it's got me up nights. Let's hope it goes away soon.

At least I'm one day closer to the weekend. Crap...I work this weekend (first weekend all by myself in the department). Dammit. Let's hope I don't burn the hospital down...

Baby Penguins Cure Everything

Sleep solves everything, too.

Linens and (Other) Things

I've been meaning to post about this for about a week, but work's got me all sorts of wiped out lately! Last weekend, my new sheets came from The Company Store. They're 100% cotton jersey sheets in gunmetal grey. They're sooooo soft...just like a giant T-shirt. I chose this color because it matches both the comforter I use for the warmer months and the comforter I use for the cooler ones. Definitely a purchase I'm glad I made.

I read an article recently about the worst word in the English language (according to the author, of course). She said it's "panties." I have to say, I disagree. I think "panties" is sexy, and yes, I use it in every day conversation. I don't like using terms as plain as "underwear" to describe a woman's underthings. "Panties" sounds delicate, much like the frilly, lacy, sometimes-barely-there-intimates a woman wears; it sounds pretty to me.

I hope this weekend finds you well. I slept 15 hours last night. It was glorious, and no, I will not apologize for it.