Words to Live By

I've decided to start a new blog posting called "Words to Live By" (how original, I know). Whenever I come across passages or lyrics or a quote, something I find inspiring, I'll throw it up on my blog under this highly original heading for your reading pleasure. Today's words are brought to you by e.e. cummings from "dive for dreams".

"...trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)...

...yours is the light by which my spirit's born:
yours is the darkness of my soul's return
-you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars"

New Year, New You?

I hope that everyone had an enjoyable Christmas. Mine was wonderful...it was so nice to relax with family and good food, making memories to cherish for a lifetime. I adore my family and what "togetherness" has come to mean for us.

And now, as one year comes to a close and we encroach upon the beginnings of a clean slate, it's hard not to reflect upon that which we wish we could change, or that which we hope for our lives in the coming year. I dislike resolutions, as so often, they are lofty and easily broken...you know, "I want to lose 65 pounds by March"...those types of things that are, well, just impossible. After doing some thinking, I have come up with the decision for how I want to live my life and there's no better time to implement this change than the new year. "Live and let live" is going to be my new take on things...it's as simple (and as complicated) as that.

Wish me luck! I wish you all the best in any resolutions you have for the coming year as well!

Bells Will Be Ringing...

My first attempt at homemade caramel corn.

I know in one of my more recent posts, I said how it was a goal to blog more...and I haven't. The holidays have kept me so busy! I've been baking so much! This year, I've decided to put together treat boxes for my friends. So, I made caramel corn and cashew and pecan turtles the other night. Also, I made angel food candy for the first time, which was more like a chemistry experiment. It was delicious fun, though.

I think that...partially, I'm attempting to stay busy so I don't have moments of...static air. I don't want to sit around thinking too much. I loved him. He didn't love me. I did what had to be done. I wish I had a box for him. A box of him...of us...that could contain everything I don't want to see or think about...so that I won't be going steady on some idle Tuesday and suddenly be blind-sided by the slightest detail because...I saw X, Y, or Z. A box I could uncover behind closed doors in quiet hours on my time. I'm sure none of this makes sense. I get it.

The first tree I've ever decorated alone!

Presents are wrapped and the tree has been trimmed. The house is decorated...we most certainly will have a white Christmas. I'm pretty sure everything on my mental checklist has been crossed-off!

I'm planning Christmas dinners and brunches...and am ecstatic to be cooking. I think that one of the reasons I love cooking so much is because the world just...goes away. The noise of everything just...dissipates. I get to take all these seemingly separate pieces and find a way to marry them...to create something delicious. For me, cooking is love. It's my joy.

I hope this holiday season, you find your joy.

A road near my home. Isn't the snow pretty?

Snowed In! (Not Quite...)

We're about to be under our first winter weather advisory of the season. It begins at midnight tonight and goes until 6 p.m. tomorrow. We're only supposed to get two-to-four inches of snow, so it's hardly anything.  I won't even be out on the road. I will, however, be at home, decorating the condo for Christmas, which is exciting. I also like the prospect of doing this while snow falls outside my window. It's just so...picturesque. What would make it even more Hallmark-perfect is if I had the fireplace going while I did it all. I hope you stay warm!

Be the Change...

I can't say I've ever been particularly fond of the cold. Or the snow. The shoveling, the scraping. No thank you. But this year, I look forward to it. Maybe it's the holidays and all the happiness they bring. My heart just overflows with love and affection for my family and friends. I know there is absolutely no place I would rather be than in this moment. And the snow is so white and pure. It blankets the Earth, covering her in newness and fresh beginnings. It brings me joy.

As I stare outside at the quiet, slumbering world on this bitter cold night, I think of the snow and I can't help but be inspired for the changes I want in my life, too. The new beginnings I dare to venture.

• I want to be more accountable to myself in my everyday living including my healthy living habits. This includes mindful eating, working out, practicing yoga on a regular basis and keeping in touch with my spiritual life. Also, of course, Weight Watchers...which is going well! Hooray

• I need to write more. Writing for fun is good exercise for the mind. Journaling my thoughts is healthy and its like I'm having a conversation with myself, which is good, I think.

• Keeping up with my schoolwork is very important and this first semester is two weeks from coming to an end! I have As in all my classes, which is great! Two more semesters and I'll be done. Adding coding to my transcription program was a good move. It was an additional semester, but in the long run, it will be worth it. It will make me more marketable and it will mean a higher salary or pay grade. And, it's only three more months. 

• I need to be a good advocate for myself in appealing the decision my medical insurance company made regarding the neurostimulator. Knowledge is power, so it is important that I get as much information on my case as possible. It's just going to be me against them, so I'm really going to be in this. But, anything of value has never been easy. 

What do you hope to see change for your life? Or, do you wish for things to stay the same? 

And the Verdict is...

I held the white envelope in my hands and was hopeful for what was inside. But, part of me already knew. I tried so hard to ignore that part as I tore open the back. The first sentence said everything I needed to know: "The request for neurostimulator trial has been denied." My heart sank and I became instantly angry. So angry, in fact, I began to feel hot tears streaming down my cheeks. This had always been a possibility, and I knew it was a long-shot, but I had this flicker of hope that everything would go through. I picked up the letter again. "The reason is as follows: Not medically necessary--the services your provider requested were not necessary. The information sent was reviewed and did not support the request for the neurostimulator trail." I giggled a little through my tears at their typo. "The services your provider requested were not necessary?" What. The. Fuck. Wouldn't my "provider" know my case better than some suit in an office? I know that what my insurance company wants is for me to throw more medication at the problem. What does it matter to them if I have liver failure by the time I'm 30? Medicine isn't always the answer. There are alternative therapies available, but they aren't always as cost-efficient, so too often, they get ruled-out as an option. Well, I'm not just going to grab my ankles on this one. This is a fight worth fighting. They gave me 45 days and two different addresses to which I can write letters of appeal, which I will most definitely be doing. I will be calling my doctors to get medical records tomorrow, just so I can be sure I include all the right facts and my verbiage is correct.

What really makes me mad is that if I had privately held insurance, this probably wouldn't be an issue. But because I'm on BadgerCare, it's a problem. United Healthcare is the insurance company providing the coverage. If I were to take out a policy on my own through United, they'd have no qualms about covering the neurostimulator. But, at the end of the day, it all comes down to money. And BadgerCare - Medicaid - is the least amount of (nearly) free healthcare coverage for the insured at the the lowest dollar for the insurer.

I'm beyond pissed. This is, of course, the more formal way to go about getting things done (if they'll even give my case a chance). What I really would like to do is go for a more direct approach...if you see a brunette on the evening news going down for arson, you'll know why...(sorry, Scott Walker). And cue Talking Heads...now...